13 years ago, my wife and I were moving through our life at a comfortable pace. We had two young children. Our house was comfortable and well maintained, the yard manicured and our bedrooms clean, the beds made every morning. We had taken vacations to visit our family in faraway states. The lines of our life had fell upon comfortable places. And then, with the birth of our third child, it changed. Like so many other families, the unexpected occurred and our lives were thrown into a tailspin of doctor visits, surgeries and medical complications until we finally settled into an uneasy period of vague unrest, an eye always scanning the horizon for the next traumatic event. We moved on with our lives but things were different. Outwardly, I'm certain it appeared as if we were fine, but there were small signs all around. Our house and yard not as well maintained, bedrooms not as organized, vacations untaken. Even as so many things in our lives were amazing, the vague specter of crisis was always just at the door. My sleep habits suffered as The Unknown woke me up nightly, prompting me to check my children, to listen to their breathing as they lay in bed. But something happened as I waited for the next crisis....Life moved on. My children grew. Seasons changed. And I came to a startling realization. I had been living with this constant unease for so long that I didn't know how to live without it.
I have discovered that I am not alone in this .... I have a friend who struggled for years beneath the crushing weight of financial obligations even though he had attempted to be faithful in every decision. Now that his life has turned to blessings, he struggles with being critical, the joy that was once so evident in his life not so apparent. The season has changed, but sadly, so has he. And I understand... Even though the Lord has moved him from the desert to the place of promise, his eyes are still focused behind him, on the land he has already passed through. I understand because I still feel the pull to do the same.
I know a man, a man who was once a great man of God in my life, a hero to many people. He encountered a situation where bitterness was an appealing option. In fact, there were no shortage of people in his life who told him that his anger towards the church was valid...And so he gave in. The years have passed, and so has the man I knew, from a vibrant force for good within our community to a bitter, angry shell. Even his health has suffered from his decision to give in as his body has wasted away and his countenance become hard.... And I understand. I understand because I have felt the appeal to give in to the voices that tell me I would be justified, I would be right...
I spoke last week with an individual struggling with fear. While these fears would sound baseless to many people, I could relate because I had felt them rob me of joy during my college years. He was surprised as I responded with words that revealed my intimate knowledge of the issue, knowledge only someone who had wrestled with the same fears would possess. I struggled when he asked me how I had overcome the grip which these fears had once held over me. But after considering it for a moment as we stood in his driveway, wrapped in silence, I told him this...Sometimes you have to fight for your sanity. And the greatest weapon in the battle is the Truth.
I cannot speak to everyone's situation, but I can speak as an expert to my own story. In my darkest moments, whether those moments were filled with the darkness of depression, the absolutely paralyzing fear of losing a child or the sweet lies inherent in bitterness, the only thing which provided me the strength to get up and move forward was the truth. The truth surrounding my family; that we are blessed. The truth regarding the wrongs that have been done to me; that I have been forgiven so much, and only in forgiving others will I be free. The truth about my fears; they do not reflect reality, and I will base my life upon reality...The truth.
Every day we must choose. Some days that choice comes easy and without cost. But often, that choice is a struggle, a fight. But it is never a battle we must fight alone. Scripture tells us that Jesus embodied truth and that the truth contained in Christ would set us free...I have raised my hands in church as I have heard that preached, surrounded by crowds of varying size. But it has only been in my darkest moments, when I have felt beaten and alone, afraid and embittered, that I have discovered its truth...
