" I Will Never Forgive Them..."

"I can't stop being angry"...

"I will never get over what she did to me"...

"I hope they get what they deserve"..

We have all heard someone in our lives say these words, or something like them, at one time or another.  If truth be told, we have all felt this weight, the pain of an offense we cannot seem to shake.  For those of us in the grips of the darkness that such a hurt can bring, forgiveness has ceased being a simple discussion or an easy Sunday lesson and has become an obstacle that we cannot seem to cross.  And if you are a believer, your inability to cross that hurdle leaves you with another burden to bear, guilt.  Quite often, this guilt causes you to withdraw from other believers who appear to have no problems with forgiveness, leaving you adrift in a prison of unresolved anger and resentment.  But perhaps this prison is not the result of an inability to forgive, but rather a lack of understanding as to what forgiveness truly is.

First, forgiveness does not require you to pretend that all is well, that you are "over it".  Forgiveness is not the result of an emotional state. Instead, it is a decision of our will.  Nor is the immediate outcome of forgiveness an emotional state. We often believe that if we continue to feel the pain, then we must not have forgiven.  We have an expectation that forgiveness will immediately remove the pain, but that is not the case.  Jesus told Peter that he should forgive 7 times 70, but it was not a math problem that Jesus was communicating.  Rather, He was communicating to Peter that forgiveness often requires a lifetime of choosing to forgive.  Many of us intuitively understand this and ,sadly, decide that we do not want to make that choice. We do so because of another confusion regarding forgiveness...

Forgiveness does not mean acting as if the offense never occurred.  In fact, "forgive and forget" often takes us right back into a pattern of relational dysfunction.  For many of us, there are lessons to be learned, wisdom to be gained and applied in order for us to eliminate future injuries. You see, forgiveness does not excuse a need for wisdom.  We forgive, but we use our new found wisdom the next time. Wisdom tells us that where trust has been eroded, it must be rebuilt.  Forgiveness does not mean that we allow those who have hurt us open access to our lives.  If someone has injured us, we need to put safeguards in place to prevent a repeat of that injury.   Many people fail to do so because of another misconception...

Forgiveness does not mean removing all consequences.  But it does mean you give up what many think is their right: being a participant in delivering those consequences.  Consequences will come from life and God. Romans 12:17 tells us to "Never pay back evil for evil"..Forgiveness means that we choose to give up our perceived right for revenge.   "Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord ( Romans 12:19).  There are consequences for actions.

We cannot have a discussion regarding forgiveness without looking at 3 words; Justice, Mercy and Grace.
Justice means getting what we deserve, Mercy means not getting what we deserve and Grace is God giving us what we do not deserve.  When we make the choice to nurse our wounds, however painful they are, we are saying to those who have hurt us , " I demand justice, I do not want you to experience mercy, and I refuse to extend you grace!"... But the One who has forgiven us calls for us to make a different choice... "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."  Ephesians 4:32.  A nursing baby grows larger, just as bitterness, like the kudzu plant, will grow if nursed and eventually take over a wounded heart.  You cannot keep unforgiveness in its box.  It will spill out and bleed into your life.

So what is forgiveness then?  Forgiveness is saying "I refuse to be consumed by past wrongs, I refuse to let bitterness define me. I refuse to let the offenses done to me define who I will become. I will believe in the truth of who I am in Christ and I will choose to to give others what God has given me."


" Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you"- Corrie Ten Boom , Holocaust survivor